Change for Change's Sake

I've been hyper-focused on change for about a year now. Like many things, change has an addictive quality to it. Instead of looking for small hits of dopamine that one would get from eating food or buying something new, I'm craving waves of that feeling and those only come with big shifts. With every little bit of success that I have in changing something, the more I want to change other parts of my life. The problem with that is there are a lot of things I can't change that easily, if at all.

A perfect example is that I believe I've run the course in my current job. While I still enjoy the people, the work itself is rather mind numbing, soul crushing even. The easy solution is to just get a different job. What's not easy is choosing what that next job is going to be. I have incredible benefits and great flexibility in my schedule right now. Obviously some sacrifices or concessions need to be made, but having a family depending on me makes it just that much more difficult. I don't want to take a another job within the State system just so I can stay in the system; and I still have nearly 4 years before I get vested into the pension program. Giving that up isn't really smart, especially when I don't know exactly what I'd rather do to earn an income.

I've thought about moonlighting part time at a few different places to see if there is anything I could see myself doing full time. At least then I'd have some idea of what the work is like instead of jumping in blindly. Becoming as comfortable as I have has created a lot of legitimate excuses to not even try doing something like that. I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and do it like I did with losing weight or minimizing my stuff. It won't be easy, but neither is anything worth doing.

Another big change I've been eyeing is a change of location. We've have been looking into buying a new house that's more accommodating to our family's needs. Currently our search area hasn't moved outside of the Smyrna/Clayton area because we really like the school district and it's close to the high school where Christine works. Moving from one house in the same area to another will certainly be a bit of a shake up, but I worry that the luster of a new home will quickly fade. It's for that reason that I'd like to consider moving to south, either to Sussex County in Delaware or to another state entirely.

Obviously moving to a completely new area isn't going to fix anything, but it would at least give us a new area to call home and explore for a while. I've grown rather tired of the cold that winter brings and would prefer to live somewhere warmer. The funny thing is that Delaware's winters are pathetic in comparison to those in Syracuse. However, the longer we're here the more I acclimate to the weather, so what was once not that cold is now straight misery. Living here has many advantages, too many to mention in this already long, rambling post. Finding a new perfect place and going through the arduous process of selling our house, finding new jobs, and then moving/buying another house doesn't sound like something I want to do right now.

In the past year, I lost a significant amount of weight, started meditating again, embraced minimalism, and I'm currently in the middle of a social media detox. Each of these changes to my lifestyle are helping, but they aren't fixing how much I'm struggling either. While I feel better physically than I have in a very long time, mentally and emotionally I can't seem to get over the hurdles that are ahead of me. Part of me wonders if me looking for bigger changes is just a way to distract myself. It's like kicking the can down the road or wanting change for change's sake. Not to say that a change of work or living location couldn't help, even if only a tiny bit.

I don't know how helpful this post has been for me or if anyone else will gain anything from it, but this blog's purpose has always been that of a journal or place for me to get things out. It's the therapy that I've chosen for now, though maybe I should seek some sort of professional opinion. Perhaps that's the change I need right now.


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